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welcome to tmi with levi™

So. Ideas for the movement project! Hm. I don't know why, but I am truthfully very scared of proposing the 'wrong' idea. I realize that everything starts out as a first draft, even the drafting of fresh ideas and it's ok to not hit the nail on the head, but idk. I'm a perfectionist¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I know I don't want to do is something obvious like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, or a fish becoming a dinosaur, but I'm afraid the idea I do have is a bit basic. Maybe I should quit filibustering and just say what I'm thinking of. 

Right now, I'm leaning towards an 'evolution' that is more personal to me. This is where we delve into some of the tmi stuff. Soooooo when I came out of the closet, I came out more out of necessity than actual want. I desperately wanted to avoid going on a mission at all costs for a lot of reasons, which I won't go into today, but I didn't want to come out. I had an extremely. Um. Awkward? Horrible? Coming out experience with my Bishop and I was already in a bad state emotionally and mentally and long story short, I was filled with self-hate and loathing. Michael Yagoobian from Meet the Robinsons would be proud of me. 

I never believed I deserved love. Ever. There's a part of me that still believes it. I am attracted to emotionally distant men because I feel like I have to work for love. I don't deserve to just 'get it'. Anyways, for the longest time, I've sought the approval of others to validate me because I refused to validate myself. I needed the attention of other men to show me I wasn't a walking sin, that I was actually noteworthy, interesting, attractive, EVERYTHING. Ohmygawwww I'm writing this and thinking, "Levi you FOOL. You beautiful little fool."

Everything I've done the last few years has been in an attempt to be liked or validated, but now! (Bring in the trumpets) I have found my own self worth! For me! I don't know exactly how or where it happened, but lately, I've been doing things for me. No one else. Just me. My enjoyment. I'm taking care of my body not because I think so-and-so wants it to be that way, I'm doing it because it makes me feel good and I like it. I'm doing theatre not because I think it would be impressive or anything, but because I love it. You get the picture. 

It's an ongoing process, but I was thinking my piece could be about finding that journey from seeking my self-worth from others and finding strength and love in myself. It's that evolution of being dependent and smaller than into being self-sufficient and strong. Idk. Hopefully that's ok. I'm also down to think of other things as well. 

For music, I found this symphonic suite of My Fair Lady. I absolutely love that musical and there are parts of the music and how it's arranged that just really fit into what I was thinking about. And since the music already tells a story as is, it just lends itself really well into being used for a story told through movement. Now, I wouldn't be doing 'Wouldn't it Be Loverly' verbatim as if I were doing My Fair Lady, I would perform it how I feel the music interacts with my story. The suite itself is 17 minutes long, BUT I have ideas of cuts that I think could work and I can get it down to the 5 minute limit. 

I also think that Ravel's 'Dawn' from Daphnis et Chloe could work for what I want as well, but I'm more partial to the My Fair Lady suite personally. 

That's all I got for ideas right now!

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