Alrighty then, we are halfway through the semester! Where has the time gone, someone please tell me. These last 6-7 weeks have just flown by for me honestly. But I digress.
With it being the middle of semester, I thought it would be a good idea to do a little check in. See how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, how I think I'm doing in class, what I've seen improvements in, what I can work on and focus on moving forward, etc.
Coming into the class at the beginning of the semester, I was intrigued and interested in what we would be doing, but I was also very nervous. I've always been self conscious about how I move. Not necessarily about how I look, but I've never been very confident in carrying out dance things or movement of any sort. Choreographers have bemoaned my small stature, ridiculed my lack of technique, my weight, and I've had classmates (not at USU, but in high school and my one year at the U) critique me and tell me I'm most definitely not a mover. All my life, I've been a singer first, actor second, mover/dancer last. I had resigned myself to this and accepted the fact that I was just not capable of doing anything movement related.
I want to acknowledge that the above paragraph sounds very 'boo hoo please feel sorry for me' and I just want to say that I'm not asking for or desiring pity. I'm not saying this to elicit some sort of special treatment or anything, but I feel it's important to acknowledge these experiences as being formative in my attitudes towards my own perceived abilities as a mover and dancer. I never thought of these people as being rude or cruel, I simply agreed with them and accepted their opinions; I wasn't a mover and could never be one.
So coming into this class, I wasn't expecting much from myself to be perfectly honest. I'm good at self-deprecation, which is something I'm desperately trying to work on, but I had written myself off as probably never being able to do the things as expected or desired. As class has progressed however, we've been given new tumbles or moves to do, and I've found myself doing things I never thought I'd ever do. Tumble rolls? Never once thought I could do them. A backwards turtle roll? Nope. More than one somersault in a row? Absolutely not. But here we are and I'm doing it.
There are things and parts of things that frighten me, but I have always felt safe. When I'm feeling nervous, I know that it's just my brain being silly and freaking out, but I know I'm in a safe environment. I'm with my classmates who are doing the same stuff as me, and I have a professor who is looking out for me and making sure I'm taking care of myself and not hurting myself. I can take things in my own speed, but I still feel pushed. In a good way though! Like, the kind of push that pushes people to work harder and be better than they were before. I am enjoying the tumbling we are doing. Legitimately enjoying it. I'm finding joy in using my body in a way I've never used it before and I love getting up to the mat and just going for it. It's really something I had never thought I ever would, but here we are. I know that a lot of the moves I do are far from perfect and that I can work harder on them and craft them better, but the fact that I've been able to do them at all is just. It's the world to me. I'm capable of far more than I knew and I think these last few weeks have been transformative for me in that regard. I have more to give than I have realized in the past and I want to take advantage of that. I hope that doesn't sound cocky. I don't want to sound like some narcissistic asshole who is like, "Ohhhhhh yesssshhhh look at me be soo gooodddddd" Finding enjoyment and freedom in the movement of my body means a lot to me right now and I'm really excited about the rest of the semester and figuring out how to better utilize my whole body as an instrument in storytelling.
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